|
| So... today in session, I was asked several questions that were hard to answer (and I am not sure my answers were even the root of the whatever!)
--- Why do you think you feel the NEED to do things for everybody else but your Self? Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to treat or take care of myself.... Or maybe its more that I feel like that is what is expected, to take care of those around me first and me last
--- Why do you think you invest so much of your Self in others? I see what is needed and I want to step in and fix it, like be a mom to someone that needs a Mom and yet I "know" that they will probably hurt me somehow but ....
--- Do you feel that you are able to say "No, I am not available to do that" or "I really do not have the time or desire to do what you ask" and that your decision will be respected? No, not really. I "wear down" and do it anyhow but not so much or so often with my daughters. More with EVERYBODY else. If my parents ask me to help, I try to get it done and if I can't I feel guilty that I should have done it or found a way to do it anyhow.
I also was asked to set some goals that would show my progress in "recovery". They seem so basic but I am an able to do them now but I know that I have to if I am to "succeed".
1) That I will take 30 minutes twice a day to lie down and focus on my Full Body Relaxation Techniques in order to control my Stress and the Pain of my disorder.
2) That I will make it a priority to do something for my SELF or go some where "just because I want to" Once a week.
3) That I will go out and get my self some decent clothes and NOT feel guilty and doing it for ME. (I don't seem to have a problem buying for everybody else but when it comes to me it seems to be a different issue. I tell myself that I can make-do for now but it never really seems that it gets to be My turn.  )
GUESS I GOTS A LOTTA HOMEWORK | | |
|
I really seem to have a hard time making decisions lately. actually, I think or rather I KNOW that this is NOT a new issue with me.
For the past year and a half I have been trying to become a "single mom" with very little success. Actually, I guess in a sense, I have always been somewhat of a single parent but my husband has been in the house, just not active in the parenting department. When you are the Spouse of someone who has mental & physical health issues, you sort of accept your Life Lot and deal with things the "best you can". Somewhere along the way, I finally came to the decision that I cannot continue to be "his parent" and that He needs to live elsewhere, I came to that decision 18 months ago and began the process of trying to get him to get & Accept Mental Health help so maybe "they" could find him a place to live and be taken care of.
Six months ago, he was arrested for domestic issues and the court imposed a "no contact order". Okay, I can deal with that. I felt bad that he had burnt all the bridges to his own family and to that of many others and I felt bad that he really had no where to go but "no where" but I told myself "he did it to himself". My disability payments changed as I was no longer living with a Spouse that receives SSA & SSI. It was a decrease of several hundred a month but figured “ we are fine” ….
He did get into Mental Health, a condition of the court, and through communications he had with our daughters, I found out the name of his Mental Health Case Manager. I figures "what the heck, I'll let them know his Medical & Psychological case history and perhaps they will be able to get him the help that he needs". Yeah, I took on his problems for him but "thats my job, right?" ... Long story, short .. The case manager would not "talk to me" because of the Order placed on my Husband so I went to court and asked to have the order amended. I told the Judge that "I know how to hang up the phone if he is out of line, I know how to pull over and tell him to get out of My Car if he is obnoxious and I know how to tell him to leave if he is at my home and needs to leave". The Judge changed it to "No Hostile Contact" I left it up to me to define what I felt was "Hostile". I was like "cool... I have the power .. I can do this!! ". Boy, did I ever overestimate my abilities !!!!
His Case Manager decided to take it upon himself to have the Judge “define” what my Husband could do that he could live with us IF he was behaving. I was handed this letter , in front of my husband, while at the meeting that was FINALLY granted me by his Case Manager. Gee, wasn’t that a nice thing to do!!! In this same meeting, I was told that it is difficult to place Him because of his temper and Aggressive issues… SO HE GETS TO LIVE WITH US !!?? I told them both that I need time to figure out what I can Handle and that I need to focus on ME and my counseling dealing with being my husbands enabler and being Co-dependant and other issues that are being addressed…. I asked for help and was told by this Case manager that “if I am clear and let my husband know that I need at least 6mo to sort things out before making any decisions that my husband will abide by my wishes”. What a Laugh!!!! All I got was more hostility and a repeat of the last 20 years…. Accusations of cheating and someone to follow me around asking “what are you doing? … Where are you going? … Why were you talking to that person?… Your mommy is trying to make your daddy live in the cold and you will never see your daddy again? ….. My Counselor calls our relationship toxic to me AND the gals and backs me on this decision but …. Arvel explodes, I tell him to chill or leave,….. I don’t call the cops because I don’t want him arrested again in front of Beki because …. It’s a cycle that I cannot seem to break. Family members tell me to break that cycle, encourage me to and now that it may happen ….. Where is my support !
As his Mental Health Providers (BHR) are now His payee, as a family unit we do not have access or discretion as to where the money is spent. They were “considerate” enough to pay $300/mo toward the rent directly to the manager and give him $75/week for his personal spending. As he was now in the Home again, my check dropped back to a Spousal amount and even with the rent payment, we were living off another drop of $330 for a total of over $500 less/mo. I am sure his family feels that we got what we deserve for “turning our back on Arvel” …
Last month was a fiasco financially. Social Security messed up royally with all the “he is out, he is in, the checks go here, the payments went there …” , deleting several payments which will eventually catch up to us. Also BHR verbally agreed to pay $450 to the manager but sent only $310 as a “higher amount was not in the budget with Arvel getting $300/mo for his spending”. About that time, after using the payments I received on the 1st to pay other bills, was when I discovered that Social Security omitted payments due for several checks that should have arrived the 3rd. I spent the next 3 weeks trying to get sense made out of the whole mess and trying to straighten it out with the help of the Regional Social Security Supervisor. Even letters from this man did not stop or help when it came to being served with “Eviction for Nonpayment”.
I now get to put everything in a storage unit and Myself and the gals will stay where ever we can, animals too, until I find us a place to move into, hopefully before Jordan is born in December. Arvel on the other hand is NOW going to be getting help to find a place, help with storage & moving costs. He of course is upset that I will not allow him to travel around with us while we crash here and there. The “bonus” is that I can now request that my checks be increased to a “single person payment” as he will not “be in the home” because we will not have a home to BE IN. Ah, the joy of it all !!! | | |
| I think I would want to be with my Friend Bev. She has been a source of incite nd strength these past several years and we get along great. Actually, I think we would both count it as a VACATION
I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too! | | |
| When is it time to Quit Turning the Other Cheek?
This last month we have begun the healing process of “Life after….” and every day is a struggle to find any form of Normalcy. I am told it is out there but the Elusive concept seems to evade capture. The Past and the Present are so intermingled & tromped upon that the Future looks like a Yelm Prairie Fog Bank. After 22 years of Marriage, it seems that my In-laws feel that I am not worthy of the last name that I bear.
I absorbed the Emotional, Verbal and Physical Abuses while I tried to protect our daughters from the brunt of their fathers Mental illness and its by-products. I stayed with him because although he is Ill, I also knew that He lived for his daughters and that He loved them. I opened our home to His family and opened my heart & time to them. I attempted to create an environment where those that remained might find an adult sibling bond that their fractured childhood smashed. None of them are Whole and most are beyond Repair but they are still his Family and therefore an extension of ours. I stood beside his Sister during her Emotional breakdown, Suicide attempt, Divorce and eventual loss of Custody of her Sons. Though we did not have the space or finances to do it, We took in another Sister when she came up here to escape her own abusive situation, dealt with her subsequent emotional issues & mental illness and then helped her return when she insisted she HAD to go back.
After the last call to Our Local Finest in Blue, my Husband was arrested, resided briefly in the local jail and then because of his vast health issues, was released after an early hearing back into the community. I did not know he was out until after the fact and had no part in the decision of the Judge. A No Contact Order was placed therefore He was not allowed to come home. He is technically Homeless while awaiting housing placement through Mental Health Services, though he does have a travel trailer to stay in until then. We all felt bad that He had no way to keep in contact with his Daughters and family members so We gave him back his Cell phone.
Our oldest daughter has needed to step up and be the contact for her father while trying to balance her own busy work schedule and attempt to help him get to Doctors appointments. He calls her multiple times a day yet tells others that he is unable to contact his daughters or that they refuse to answer his calls. He calls them during school or at work when they cannot answer and then is upset that they don’t pick up. He tells our daughters that he has seen me driving about town in my car with a man beside me when in fact said car is not even IN town.
Over the years I have told his family, not mine, about the issues and the abuses. The responses varied from “You married him, he is Your problem” , “He is not the problem, it is you and your teaching his daughters to not respect him”, “There is NO such thing as Mental Illness, it is a matter of choice” and even “Looks like the Democrats will continue to support him while keeping him in a Medicated State of Control”.
The following is an excerpt of the latest expression of his Family
“ … you kicked him out in the cold weather …. he don't have his stuff either, you sold it or give it too someone else. … As long as you are out of Arvels life, the Mauldings wouldn't have any stress either. We love him and wants his life go on living and if you are in the picture he wouldn't have anything. Yes the Maulding family would be happier in a long run.”
. | | |
|
